Monday, July 27, 2009

Sometimes the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and sometimes it is on your ass.

Oh fat. There are so many clich├ęs to use when we talk about weight gain or weight loss. We are so obsessed with it!!! I really would like to think I'm over and above being obsessed with weight but its hard when not one but 2 doctors inform you that several of your medical issues are linked to your weight. WHAT??!!? That's something they say to really overweight people, not cute little things like me who could stand to lose a few pounds. Whose humongous arm is that in that picture and why is it attached to my face?!?! OMG that's right- ITS MINE.

So I waited a month for an appointment with my amazing gynecologist at Columbia Presbyterian. I drove an hour and 10 minutes to her office in the Dominican Republic of Washington Heights. I cowered in the office door and politely did whatever her over-worked angry secretary asked me to do and then patiently admired her photos of Obama and Oprah. I waited for an hour and a half to see the doctor (thank God for Eclipse! I totally read 68 pages!) only to find out that my menstrual problems are due to the fact that I need to lose weight. Umm she didn't even need to put me on a scale. Apparently she could estimate my weight on her own or perhaps she saw some ketchup on my face from my 3 EGG AND CHEESE WRAP WITH HAM. Oh but it was on a "whole wheat" wrap which clearly makes it healthy. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So after paying a $20 co-pay and $27 to park and driving an hour and a half home, one would think I would be super-motivated to head right over to the gym and jump on the treadmill! Wrong-o!!! I immediately crawled up on the couch and took a nap to wake up and eat ALL of the previous night's leftover fried rice. Like enough rice to sustain a small Asian village. I probably ate more rice in two days than Chris McCandless did during his entire Alaskan expedition.
I love eating. I just really love eating. I tried to do a three day flush that required having only protein shakes for a day. I only got to 9 am before needing an everything bagel with veggie cream cheese and a large coffee. So I think meal substitution diets are out.
I did- after my rice meal- head over to the produce store and buy tons of veggies for grilling and an amazing swordfish steak. So at least it is a step in the right direction that I will be eating healthy things instead of the leftover piece of baguette bread that Panera gives out with their soup- in a bread bowl!!! No wonder this country is full of carb-sucking fatties.

I must exercise. How do I not make time for this??? I make the most impressive load of excuses- most of which revolve around food. Its always too soon before I eat, too soon after I eat, I might be thinking about eating, I might have to nap... None of it is rational, I know. I'm looking forward to having a dog so I know I'll have to walk at least twice a day for the dog. ('But Becky, you need to walk now, for you. Isn't your health as important as the dog's?' Yeah there's no immediate danger that my fat ass is going to shit on the rug.)

Diet books are annoying. I'd really like to develop my own- please, any input would be greatly appreciated. They act like the people reading them are idiots. Seriously?! Is there really anyone out there who is amazed by the fact you should only eat a small piece of chicken breast the size of a deck of cards and not the half a chicken covered in buttery skin that you are given with three sides at Boston Market???? Is it really a revelation that a Ceasar salad covered in creamy dressing, parmesean cheese and croutons is actually not a smart choice??? Please! Can someone write a diet book that doesn't treat the reader like a moron?!?!

I also don't want to see the list of "rules" that can be found in every diet book of which the first two are "No alcohol and "No caffeine." NO THANK YOU!!!! Look- I can accept that diet soda is bad for you- its made of all kinds of funky chemicals that weren't even in existence 50 years ago and it has some sort of crack effect that leaves you trolling the streets for it when you run out. But alcohol- this is ancient stuff, handed down to us through history. They drink it in Beowolf!! Jesus! Speaking of Jesus- He wasn't turning water into wheatgrass shots at that wedding- he turned it into wine, baby! He knew! How can that be bad for you?!?!? And coffee- its a time-honored morning tradition. It signals to my body that it is awake! Its delicious! It comes from a bean, from nature, HOW CAN A BEAN BE BAD?????? My diet book will not include these alcohol and caffeine restrictions. It will also not include the words "moderation" or "just one glass/cup" when referring to these substances. Why? Why you ask? Because sometimes one is just not enough and the frustration of attempting to limit myself and failing will just cause me to eat more!!! That's why.
And so I go forth, making promises to myself that I will do one hour of cardio a day etc. etc.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Welcome to Becky Burress at 30- Sentimental beginnings and gentle warnings

Hi!! I'm Becky Burress. Well, no, I'm not. I'm using a psuedonym so that no one (ie- students and students' parents!!!) can Google me and know all about my life. I just want my friends (and any potential publishers who may be blown away by my witty observations) to know who I am and access the blog. It's a pretty cool name! I took my favorite, gun-dropping-but-winning-touchdown-catching football player's last name! Like my man Plaxico, I am not perfect and I make some bad decisions. I plan on being painfully honest in my blog- because its the only way to be. So, if there are things you may not want to know about me (mom), or you might not feel comfortable knowing and not telling my mom (facebook savvy uncles and cousins)think about that as you pick and choose the entries you decide to read. Topics I plan to conquer: weight gain and loss, the wonders of food, binge drinking, and anti-depressants, and how inappropriate behavior, bad decisions, and waking up in strange places in your twenties makes you a better person/wife in your thirties. I'll try to give the heads up in the titles.

So, what makes me think you want to read about my life and my opinions about things? Mostly because I'm a bit narcissistic. I've decided you really have to be when you are a teacher. There is a lot of talk about "student-centered" learning, but c'mon, the teacher is the sun and moon in their classroom. Actually I am the captain of the ship and the queen of the castle, at least that's what I tell my kids. So naturally I assume that the whole world should be paying the same rapt attention to every utterance that falls out of my mouth as I expect from my students. Also, I've just outgrown the one sentence forum of the facebook status update!

Seriously- I enjoy writing. I've always thought about writing but thought that I lacked the motivation and self-discipline to stick with it. I realized that I do, however, make the time to update my facebook status daily and to check up to see what every single person I've met since nursery school happens to be doing. I kept a blog a few years ago when I went to Spain. I toyed with the idea of keeping a blog about what happens right here in the USA. I thought about it but still didn't do it. I was further inspired by the biographical memoirs of Jen Lancaster. I kept thinking about it and then doing other important things like scouring Craig's list for the perfect bistro table (still haven't found it) or succumbing to the Twilight books (yeah- I gave in but they are AMAZING) I needed more inspiration...

Finally, inspiration literally came flying through the window. A bat flew into our living room and circled around for an hour before a friend finally came and captured it on a decorative shelf. I had an hour, standing out there on my lawn, screaming at the top of my lungs like a lunatic, to fully appreciate the situation and listen to the messages the universe (God, the angels, the Holy Spirit, the secret, Buddha)were sending me. During his brief 33 year life my father published a much too small collection of published written pieces. One of his pieces was about the under appreciated bat. He was able to draw on his knowledge and his experiences working in the bat house at the Bronx Zoo to actually make the winged rodents a sympathetic character! When my husband looked at me and said, "Who could we call?" I immediately thought of my father, who hasn't been with us in over two decades. I'd like to believe that night, he was smiling at me from Heaven, his half smile that I've memorized from years of pouring over pictures. I'd like to believe that little folly was his gentle nudge to me to get writing. With only nine years together on Earth, my dad wasn't able to give me a lot of gifts- a raccoon bank that I rubbed all the fur off of, a leather key chain I still keep on my car keys. He did give me a love for the written word. I can remember falling asleep to the sound of his typewriter or watching him read a Louis L'Amour novel, standing up next to my bed because I couldn't sleep. These things were what made me the avid reader- and sometimes writer- I am today.

Alright enough with the sappy stuff!! So here I am... post-mystical nudge, writing a blog and who knows where that will take me. Who knows, once I get the juices flowing I may write an article or a book or those wedding thank you notes I've been procrastinating over!!