Monday, July 27, 2009

Sometimes the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and sometimes it is on your ass.

Oh fat. There are so many clichés to use when we talk about weight gain or weight loss. We are so obsessed with it!!! I really would like to think I'm over and above being obsessed with weight but its hard when not one but 2 doctors inform you that several of your medical issues are linked to your weight. WHAT??!!? That's something they say to really overweight people, not cute little things like me who could stand to lose a few pounds. Whose humongous arm is that in that picture and why is it attached to my face?!?! OMG that's right- ITS MINE.

So I waited a month for an appointment with my amazing gynecologist at Columbia Presbyterian. I drove an hour and 10 minutes to her office in the Dominican Republic of Washington Heights. I cowered in the office door and politely did whatever her over-worked angry secretary asked me to do and then patiently admired her photos of Obama and Oprah. I waited for an hour and a half to see the doctor (thank God for Eclipse! I totally read 68 pages!) only to find out that my menstrual problems are due to the fact that I need to lose weight. Umm she didn't even need to put me on a scale. Apparently she could estimate my weight on her own or perhaps she saw some ketchup on my face from my 3 EGG AND CHEESE WRAP WITH HAM. Oh but it was on a "whole wheat" wrap which clearly makes it healthy. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So after paying a $20 co-pay and $27 to park and driving an hour and a half home, one would think I would be super-motivated to head right over to the gym and jump on the treadmill! Wrong-o!!! I immediately crawled up on the couch and took a nap to wake up and eat ALL of the previous night's leftover fried rice. Like enough rice to sustain a small Asian village. I probably ate more rice in two days than Chris McCandless did during his entire Alaskan expedition.
I love eating. I just really love eating. I tried to do a three day flush that required having only protein shakes for a day. I only got to 9 am before needing an everything bagel with veggie cream cheese and a large coffee. So I think meal substitution diets are out.
I did- after my rice meal- head over to the produce store and buy tons of veggies for grilling and an amazing swordfish steak. So at least it is a step in the right direction that I will be eating healthy things instead of the leftover piece of baguette bread that Panera gives out with their soup- in a bread bowl!!! No wonder this country is full of carb-sucking fatties.

I must exercise. How do I not make time for this??? I make the most impressive load of excuses- most of which revolve around food. Its always too soon before I eat, too soon after I eat, I might be thinking about eating, I might have to nap... None of it is rational, I know. I'm looking forward to having a dog so I know I'll have to walk at least twice a day for the dog. ('But Becky, you need to walk now, for you. Isn't your health as important as the dog's?' Yeah there's no immediate danger that my fat ass is going to shit on the rug.)

Diet books are annoying. I'd really like to develop my own- please, any input would be greatly appreciated. They act like the people reading them are idiots. Seriously?! Is there really anyone out there who is amazed by the fact you should only eat a small piece of chicken breast the size of a deck of cards and not the half a chicken covered in buttery skin that you are given with three sides at Boston Market???? Is it really a revelation that a Ceasar salad covered in creamy dressing, parmesean cheese and croutons is actually not a smart choice??? Please! Can someone write a diet book that doesn't treat the reader like a moron?!?!

I also don't want to see the list of "rules" that can be found in every diet book of which the first two are "No alcohol and "No caffeine." NO THANK YOU!!!! Look- I can accept that diet soda is bad for you- its made of all kinds of funky chemicals that weren't even in existence 50 years ago and it has some sort of crack effect that leaves you trolling the streets for it when you run out. But alcohol- this is ancient stuff, handed down to us through history. They drink it in Beowolf!! Jesus! Speaking of Jesus- He wasn't turning water into wheatgrass shots at that wedding- he turned it into wine, baby! He knew! How can that be bad for you?!?!? And coffee- its a time-honored morning tradition. It signals to my body that it is awake! Its delicious! It comes from a bean, from nature, HOW CAN A BEAN BE BAD?????? My diet book will not include these alcohol and caffeine restrictions. It will also not include the words "moderation" or "just one glass/cup" when referring to these substances. Why? Why you ask? Because sometimes one is just not enough and the frustration of attempting to limit myself and failing will just cause me to eat more!!! That's why.
And so I go forth, making promises to myself that I will do one hour of cardio a day etc. etc.

1 comment:

  1. Girl, it's like you just wrote the past 20 years of my life!